Selfishness in service
24-02-15
Selfishness. First a brief presentation of why this is monthly topic in my blog.
I like to point to, one way, we might understand selfishness, and how this understanding merges in our daily lives to pursue our goals, purposes or deep longings.
I have a personal relationship with this topic. This has been a topic pointed to me by a kindly group of Integral Coaches with whom we are meeting regularly in a fantastic program we are doing together (U.Lab: Transforming Business, Society, and Self at Edx).
They kindly observed in me a hesitation to embrace selfishness as a grounding hummer to pursue deeper my purpose and goals. This came as a surprise and it triggered an interesting reflection in me (to share now). Additionally I have recently observed in different of my clients, who’s goal was to become healthier, that they too -although in different ways and forms- struggle with the issue of Selfishness.
Selfishness. The view I hold about it: understood as thinking exclusively or mainly about oneself, doing things that are for oneself, interest oneself and are of interest of oneself. Putting oneself first, point.
The socio-cultural context. As mature adults we certainly know that life is far beyond this stage and we grow our thinking and doing hopefully past beyond ourselves, and we include love ones, friends, peers, fellow citizenships, and we might even reach up to people from other cities, cultures, countries. Even extend our concern to natural spices and the planet at large.
As we grow this embracing seems natural, desirable and needed not just for ourselves, but for others and the planet in which we live. This, fortunately, has become a cultural expectation of our times, and in fact we are looking forward to see this embed fully in individuals, but also in our social structures of politics, economics, justice, health and so on.
Is there a view that makes selfishness healthy? Sometimes though, paying attention to what we don’t want, selfish individuals and cultures, we forget what do we want and actually need to foster this embracing development: healthy selfishness, or healthy embrace of our needs (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual). Thus we want this healthy development of selfishness to occur, for our needs to be meet, and also to avoid projecting our resentment with ourselves with others -and particularly those that we love the most (which is what tends to happen when we keep our selfishness at dark).
Right Selfishness. In practical terms. I do have a soulful purpose to become an agent of change in this world, to alleviate suffering and to kindly help merge perspectives to more encompassing solutions for greater good.
But I consistently struggle balancing my way with my sense of responsibility, my willingness to be of help, my sense of being perceived as worthy and caring, and of course, not to be (and be seen as) selfish in my endeavors. I am constantly checking if I am going too far of what is expected and needed of me (at home, family or work), and if so, I do not hesitate to pull myself back. It becomes so ingraneted in me that I don’t realize the multiple ways I am pulling myself back from my goal, desire and purpose. All my moves are made smoothly, so that I “don’t break” anything. From that perspective my moves to purpose are tinny, small, powerless and lacking the necessary optimism.
Similarly many of the women I coach in their path to a better health, find and feel “selfish” to be taking the time to work out, or to even think about themselves and what they wish for themselves. Always finding logical excuses why it was not possible to do what they longed and wanted to do.
How do I embrace my right to care for me? There’s then the need to define a strong inner boundary, one that supports oneself, me and my longings and needs. That boundary call for the right to care, the right to long for oneself. Once this oneself is attuned to, healthily and lovingly, then we are ready and more capable to moving out, to think and do for others and the world.
Embracing the right to self care for my soul. This is where I should focus my days of practice. In service of myself, because I deserve to do that, but also because it is the only way that my longings for greater service to others will actually come true.
I sincerely want to thank my friends in their honest, authentic and caring feedback. Thanks Renee, Anna and Nuno.