How I faced conflict, what worked for me and a practice for you
10-10-14
You might recall my recent entry in this blog in where I shared with you how I was leaving for later some conflicting situations I previously committed to address. I had made the goal to work on a challenging area this year -work relationships and wholehearted culture in the health club- and since this was somewhat conflicting and challenging I was simply avoiding it and keeping it for later.
As I shared, this had an impact in me: I felt drained in energy because what I was not facing I was carrying with me, over my shoulders. If the events and situations I was not facing were growing in dimension so was the weight on my shoulders. So simply there was a moment in which looking away was absolutely counterproductive, unhealthy, and very heavy and painful to me. I knew I had to do something.
What I first did was to come to terms with why this was important to me, why did it matter to me originally to be one of my main objectives for the year. What if addressed would mean for me, and what impact would it have in me, those involved, and the overall system or systems this issues belonged to.
That was an important step, because I came to realize that that challenge was not just important for me for what it could mean to the whole organization and those belonging there (to the ease of suffering), but it was important to me because I knew I could make a kind of contribution that was very akin to my core qualities and my core believes and values. I then felt that this challenge had a combination of meaningful purpose to me: On one side it required me step forward fully and on the other side I would be of service to others. A challenge close to my heart, that’s why it bothered me so much seeing it messy -specially realizing I “was fit” to do something about it.
Once this was acknowledged, the word conflict was not making the same sense. Yes there was conflict, but to me then it was not one in which I was drawn to but one that I was called to, so it turn out more of a conflict-opportunity challenge.
I would say that conflict per se it is not bad, I would argue it is most natural to happen if we accept that each individual has its own point of view. But what happens around having multiple perspectives -something again natural and even desired- it is what I tend to dislike about conflictual situations. Often we lack the capacity to be in those conversations in a healthy, respectful, open, sincere and authentic way. With the intention to listen the other and with it expand one’s perspective on the topic and be able from there to move one’s position to a more embracing and comprehensive one. And from there continue the conversation to set and agreement or a healthy disagreement (where no violence: emotional, psychological, professional is set into motion).
From that clarification I gained the strength and courage to move into action: reflect how best, for the moment, this could be addressed, how could I contribute to it, and design the sequence of successful steps to follow.
I am now very happy about the results that have begin to flourish from those initial steps. I am empowered to continue doing more of them and I feel I am honoring and embracing that which I am and that I care about. I am bringing forward my uniqueness and I am contributing to ease suffering! I feel humbly glowing!
One practice for you
There are different qualities and capacities needed to be able to clarify conflict and be able to stay with the intense emotional experience that normally those situations carry with them.
Here is one practice suggestion for one of such qualities: acknowledge when I am facing away.
During the next following days pay close attention in your interactions with others and notice when do you feel more drawn to stay, engage and relate and when do you tend to pass by, go elsewhere or get busy doing others things.
It is more than possible that many of those occasions you are not flying away from conflict and that you simply have something more interesting or urgent to be doing. But be curious to observe yourself, openly and gently, on those or all other circumstances to see if there’s anything you can learn about yourself in relation to that group of people gathered or the topic or issue they are talking about.
There are others times of course, that you might be well aware that you are avoiding.
In all the circumstances observe.
How can you tell do you want to stay in this conversation or that you want to move out of it or not even start it? What signs, symptoms, emotions, thoughts come to mind on those situations?
What do you think you are honoring, respecting or protecting by not staying right now here in this situation?
If you are moving away from it, what are you considering it is serving to? How do you visualize the right moment to be there and the right things to happen?
What do you think will change for good if that situation where not to happen again? What would it mean to you and to others?
Do you feel that staying would require some kind do effort to you? What kind? What would require of you to follow through it?
Take a moment at the end of the day to reflect on those questions. Please do so with a compassionate embrace with yourself and those involved in these situations. Be kind and gentle, be aware that you are doing what you do up till now for one important reason. Be curious to explore it openly.
It is very helpful to keep a journal about it and at the end of the week or couple weeks read through them. From it you might be able to gain clear insights about those situations and if they have some common thread you might not be aware of. Here are some questions that might help seeing that:
What if any, common value, are you protecting when avoiding situations, persons or groups of people?
Would you say that there is something you are being ask to do that you are resisting somehow?
What is most relevant to you right now looking back this past days?
I hope this practice has been of good service to you. If so I will offer you another one to continue develop those capacities needed to face conflict in a positive opportunistic way to bring yourself forward fully.
Lovingly,
Isaac